Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I just had a small salad with a side of carrots for lunch and now I know why women are so horrible to each other.

   It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... So, After doing the math, the times were pretty much average.

   I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some cheese, salami, bacon, & lettuce... I'm calling it the "5 Hour Footlong."

   FYI,, I'm Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad,,, but not suspicious.

   I'm "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start" years old.

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   Good thing my car has cruise control because I'm feeling pretty sleepy.

   If you have a hunting license,, it's TOTALLY legal to shoot cars with antlers on them.

   Eating Taco Bell for the 5th night in a row... BTW, your colon grows back right?

   My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

   Forget the melting polar ice caps, the most devastating element of the future will surely be how many grandmas have tramp stamps.

   As if people didn't have enough reasons to panic when their doorbell rang... Now we have to worry that it's Ryan Seacrest.

   Scientists have discovered a planet that has four sunsets a day. Imagine how frigging tedious Instagram is there.?

   My current cardio workout consists of taking a fistful of Exlax right after I see a "Next rest stop,, 25 miles" sign on the turnpike

   Wait,, there's a "pro-anorexia" community? That's a thing?.. Oh,, I bet they have the worst luncheons ever.

   I hate when I’m on the treadmill, and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and accidentally eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

   Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can also bring the water to him. Maybe do something nice for someone else for once in your life... geesh

   At Olive Garden, request a table for one, last name Birthday. When your tables ready they say "Birthday party for 1".... Then just cry.

   REALLY??.. You're on food stamps and using your IPhone 4 to complain about it on Facebook???.... This is why I sometimes feel like I should give up,,,,, why bother trying??

   My coworker, a Jehovah's Witness,, wouldn't attend the Christmas luncheon.. She took her bonus check though,, Maybe she's donating it to her church.