Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets...

   wondering when BP is going to change the warning label on its gas from; Product contains up to 10% Ethanol, to, Product contains up to 50% salt water....

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)

   If you got a problem with your woman dont go out and get another woman cause now you got 2 problems

   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.

   I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. ;)

   Some people should come with subtitles.

   Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

   If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed. - Today's media and Nazi Propoganda

   I think before people are allowed to protest and try to overturn an election, The protesters should first be required to take a basic Civics 101 class.

   Never rob a bank with a vegan... They will tell everyone.

   ladies first is just a polite way of saying I wanna check out your booty

   Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front

   Sometimes my mind wanders. I don't know what it does the rest of the time.

   McDonald's Happy Meal. A tiny burger, 8 fries, a sip of Coke, and a cheap 2¢ toy. Happy? Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

   "If your wife can't handle a compliment, maybe she shouldn't keep such a well groomed moustache!"

   They say so many people die because of alcohol... Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.

   Keeping a Blockbuster card in your wallet is like carrying $100 in Confederate bills.

   Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."