Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.

   Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.

   I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.

   Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment.

   Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman's ability to find a reason to post a selfie.

   Doctor: “Sir....” Patient: “It's MA'AM. I identify as a female” Doctor: “Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer”

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.

   No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   A bottle of wine and I still have feelings. Time for whiskey.

   Its not stretching if it doesn't involve crazy dinosaur noises.

   This Facebook is really cutting into my other time wasting activities.

   I like people the most when I'm by myself.

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.

   A friend doesn't question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.

   If you think my jokes are bad, you should see my choice in women.

   "There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class