Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.
←Rate | 06-26-2022 00:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.
←Rate | 01-10-2023 02:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.
←Rate | 06-21-2022 22:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
←Rate | 07-23-2022 23:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 18:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?
←Rate | 01-04-2023 02:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 14:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.
←Rate | 01-04-2023 02:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.
←Rate | 01-09-2023 03:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 00:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.
←Rate | 01-10-2023 02:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 04:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:01 Comments (0)  




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