Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Marriage tip 101: It is very important that your wife understands Commandment Number 1 in regards to marriage: "Thou shalt not nag". As soon as she understands this, she will grow in her duties and responsibilities as a wife.
←Rate | 01-15-2023 13:43 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon How do you politely tell a wannabe model on Instagram she is fat?
←Rate | 01-14-2023 14:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die, I want a crank on the side of my casket that plays the Jack-in-the-Box song just to see who has the guts to crank it.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 09:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 05:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
←Rate | 01-13-2023 05:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 05:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 05:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
←Rate | 01-13-2023 05:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 05:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
←Rate | 01-13-2023 05:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 05:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i could never be president. I'm overqualified.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 05:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cougar Area: Please stay on trails, travel in small groups and do not allow men under 30 to travel alone.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 04:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One says, “eat the chocolate.” The other says, “you heard me right, eat it.”
←Rate | 01-13-2023 04:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro Tip: If you drink enough beer, your Tinder date starts to look like their profile picture.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 04:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop calling yourself hot; the only thing you turn on is the microwave.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 04:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 04:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What’s up cake? Muffin much.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 04:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Broken pencils are pointless.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 04:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At first, I didn’t like my beard; then it grew on me.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 04:05 Comments (0)  

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