Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Had a bad day today, but I didn't kill 8 people... I came home and did a line of coke like all other responsible adults
←Rate | 03-20-2021 20:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon that March 20th inauguration happening? Anybody know? Anybody? I don't want to miss it again.
←Rate | 03-20-2021 13:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your tax refund probably taking long cuz all your kids got different last names and the IRS is confused.
←Rate | 03-19-2021 21:29 by @svaldez187 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I heard Biden went on a trip today.
←Rate | 03-19-2021 19:46 by Grumpy Comments (0)  

   messageicon What did Jill say to Joe, when he left the White House, this morning? "Have a safe trip."
←Rate | 03-19-2021 19:46 by Grumpy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Q-Tip. A d!ldo for the ear.
←Rate | 03-19-2021 17:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.
←Rate | 03-19-2021 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve tested positive for needing a fucing vacation
←Rate | 03-19-2021 08:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Playboy has asked me to stop sending them my nudes
←Rate | 03-19-2021 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
←Rate | 03-19-2021 08:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.
←Rate | 03-18-2021 19:39 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon ford is moving to mexico. you folks happy now
←Rate | 03-18-2021 13:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...
←Rate | 03-17-2021 18:32 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on triangle disappeared.
←Rate | 03-17-2021 18:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except for the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.
←Rate | 03-17-2021 14:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Corned beef and cabbage this.
←Rate | 03-17-2021 11:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.
←Rate | 03-16-2021 18:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone told Beethoven he would never be a composer because he was deaf. But did he listen?
←Rate | 03-16-2021 12:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.
←Rate | 03-16-2021 10:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know the pot holes are ridiculous when it effn looks like the pot hole may lead to underground parking......and another wheel alignment.
←Rate | 03-16-2021 09:38 by TonyB Comments (0)  

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