GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Remember when we used to do prank calls growing up? Now those spam calls are karma getting us back.

   My smart mouth always gets me in trouble. And if it's not my mouth, it's my facial expressions.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it. Just make your last post something fun like "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket and that you're a really good catch!

   Marriage tip: If your wife says she's only getting two things at the store, don't believe her. She's lying!

   Marriage tip: When you're in an argument with your wife, just use the phrase "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong." This will help her realize that you are always correct.

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   I had a thought, and then I had another thought. They bounced off each other and now I can't find either one.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.