Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.

   Your face makes onions cry.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   Nothing brings more peace, when you stop giving a f*ck.

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   Hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   You take the blue pill, the election ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you dispute the fraud and I show you how deep the rabbit hole really goes.