Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,” the correct response is, I don’t believe you.

   Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

   Explaining bedtime to the kids: “It’s not about how tired you are, it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.

   I live at work and visit the house sometimes.

   Every day is a half day, if you just leave.

   You learn nothing from life if you think that you’re right all the time.

   When we were young, we were given the impression that strangers would offer us drugs much more often than has happened in real life.

   Hope this e-mail doesn’t find you. Hope you’ve escaped and are free.

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.

   Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.

   There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.

   Your face makes onions cry.

   Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.

   Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.

   If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

   Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.

   When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.