Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔

   Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.

   IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.

   Her: I have a child that needs a father figure. Him: I wear socks with sandals. Her: wow, you’re daddy af.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.