Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

   My new 401k is just a pre-loaded gift card for Olde Country Buffet.. "Pretty smart, going with a buffet-style retirement plan" said my Schwab investment advisor.

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It's now a Walmart.

   "He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently."

   My bucket list, is just me wanting to sit on a throne,, and slow clap sarcastically after somebody's speech.

   FYI: When you graduate from vegetarian to vegan you are legally required to put a racing stripe on your Prius

   How many dinosaur remains must we dig up before we understand why they lived underground?

   My electric car is in for service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.

   The Ark, Day 1,,,, NOAH: OK, lions, you're in L CARGO,,, bears, you're in B CARGO,,, and snails, you're in S CARGO....

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853

   Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals.

   I wouldn't be much of a trophy husband. I'd be more of a thanks-for-participating-ribbon husband.

   Full Disclosure: I stole all these words from the dictionary

   There's anxious, then there's me,, trying to get my tires lined up on the tracks at the car wash

   Sorry to break it to you but,,,,, (1) I have high self esteem (2) I don't need your money; and (3) I hate drama....... So.....

   Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.

   Listen,,, Anything can be cereal, if you have enough milk.

   Ok. Who the frig showed my grandma how to start "group texts" ?!?

   Squirrel 1: Got directions to across the road?.. Squirrel 2: go left, straight, left, right, right again,back, then just friggin run.... Squirrel 1: nice

   I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.