Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had

   Just gave myself an enema filled with warm water and glitter, and I ended up craping out a Ke$ha cd.

   My eHarmony account just keeps matching me with different types of cookies.

   Someone in my state is wearing Axe Body Spray... ugh, I can smell it from here

   I don't like to boast,, So I don't....... I'm probably the best at not boasting,, Actually... The very best.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   For Sale: Gently used Boeing 777. Everything looks to be there except black box. Comes with like 257 tourists & new rims. No weirdos or checks.

   My kid's hamster died, so I just glued some googly eyes on it and told him it was high on meth.

   The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

   My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

   I DON'T want to brag,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, So I won't,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, See how that works?

   O Lord, give me the superpowers to change the things I cannot accept with serenity. ....Amen.

   I'm going to take you to the cleaners... After that, the bank & grocery store. Then possibly Arby's? It's totally up to you

   If I was looking to hire a psychic, the only question in my interview would be,,"How many times have you won the lottery?"

   Grocery Budget Tip: If you don't buy food,, you don't need toilet paper....

   What does it make me if I put Nutella on this brown sugar & cinnamon poptart? A genius... The correct answer is genius.

   I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.

   Hope this Iran thing goes through so the Ayatollah Ali Khameneiwill stop blocking my Candy Crush requests.

   I've been trying to leave Rome for weeks,,, but all their roads have this weird design flaw.