Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Son came home from school and asked what "ostracized" meant.. Of course I told him its a unit of measurement for birds.... *now I've got another parent/teacher conference next monday*

   WAIT????.. Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

   Every time I see someone with drawn on eyebrows, I want to ask them if the carpet matches the curtains

   Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   I've got this really good recipe were I burn the hell out of everything and we go out for pizza.

   Well,,, I'm off to leave single shoes on the side of the highway for my annual summer road trip.. Yeah, that's me,,,,, I've been doing that.

   We should've let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.

   IKEA now designs temporary houses for refugees which is weird because I thought they already did that.

   Okay, I'm lost... Can someone please lend me Facebook: Seasons 1 and 2 ???

   Wondering if it's ok to ask someone with an eye patch,,,,, "Well, was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck a Tampa bay Bucs logo on it... Now it sucks just fine

   My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.

   When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisin cookies in the world and throw them in the trash.

   I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay

   * Throws dart... ME: Let's vacation wherever this dart lands... * Dart misses map and lands in kittylitter box... ME: OK,,, Mexico it is then

   Hey,,,,Can any of you people possibly recommend 30 or 40 books on hoarding?

   We are going to practice this chest bump celebration until we get it right, Grandma... Quit screwing around at the bottom of the staircase.

   Hey Holidays,,,, either start later or get more songs.

   So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?

   Susan,, Don't give those gdamn ducks our bread,, they're just going to use it to buy drugs...