Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When my son asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said "maybe she went bIack",,., and now I don't have to help with homework

   You seem crazy,,,, But let's buy tambourines and see how far we can take this...

   "Ahh,,Yes,Yes,,,I can see where you're coming from." - My Urologist,,, He's a kidder,,

   Vet suggested cayenne pepper to get the dog to stop eating her poop....Sounds good...nothing says dignified like seasoning your dog's poops.

   My sister is adopted,, but I like to tell people she's "a rescue".

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?

   Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.

   "I'll need a table for 5 and napkins for 70.".... -- Me, with my wife and kids entering any restaurant--

   I'll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers

   My other palindrome is a kayak.................................... my new bumpersticker

   So,,, The dog won our farting contest... I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.

   My life coach just advised me to,,, "run out the clock"

   People always say moth balls have a very distinguishable smell... but I can never get their little legs apart

   PLEASE,, Let's have a moment of silence for all those who have ever been stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles..

   4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

   Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.

   OMG you guys!. I Almost hit a jogger while I was taking a selfie and driving today... So please you guys, be careful,,, do NOT jog.

   I'm wearing my heart in my chest again. The sleeve idea was dangerous and stupid

   "Looks like we're all here. WHO WANTS HAMBURGERS?" I say to three cats & a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett at my 4th of July BBQ.