Funny Status Messages
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It took me 2 seconds, Yoda. 
Harvesting work from paperclips
Pro Tip: no one will notice your holiday weight gain if you carry a pie everywhere
My new ring tone is a woman faintly screaming ‘Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.
It's Shark Week. Sharks kill an average of 5 people a year. Cows kill an average of 22 people a year. When is Cow Week
As much as I kinda sorta like Trump, I have to say that by all appearances, he caved to a degree (not a complete fold... there are still tariffs) under pressure. It was the right move.
Hey, Dooosh. Nice job copping my means of escaping the censors by using backwards text. Keep it up, you lame asshole.
A friend: Here's a picture of me when I was youMy friend: Here's a picture of me when I was younger. Me: All pictures of you are when you were younger.nger. Me: All pictures of you are when you were younger.
my emotional support animal is a chicken. Four piece with a biscuit.
You could have been an extra in Chernobyl.
And to whoever wrote that nice post, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I know the feeling. The lady in the vegetable sections at Publix Supermarket was getting frustrated with trying to open one of those plastic bags. She recently had plastic surgery but you should have seen the face she wanted to make.
Basketball is like the weather. With either, things can change within a few minutes.
Just got my wish list returned from Santa. The note attached said, "LMBO... NO!
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, fattening or too expensive.
Welp, I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.
Oh look at this! You're so slow it takes you almost 12 hours to come up with a comeback. Unbelievable!
The closest this guy will come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle.
Zero by dividing.
Happy Thanksgiving! Just remember that Black Friday shoppers can still block and tackle better than the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving. Let that sink in! 