Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: [donating my body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill] Goodwill: [Leaves body on their lawn, with a sign that says "Free..please take!"] 🤷

   If you scan a tribal tattoo at a Walmart price checker, it unlocks a secret a room where homeless men fight to the death for the amusement of Toby Keith.

   Airport

   All men eat ass, they just wating to see if they can do it without you telling anyone... Be patient and keep that crack clean!

   Tweets are expanding to 280 characters and now I am looking for someone to write a forward for my soon-to-be-published tweet.

   I liked Avicii's songs especially the ones where he features the guys who sing the entire song

   We are all free to walk our own path. My path is full of my husband’s socks and shoes

   As a New Yorker " aight bet " could mean " I totally agree with you" or possibly your life is in danger

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I get it women. Great, now I'm crying.

   You millenials have it so good --- we could only like 6 songs max and had to carve their names in a rock

   Deja boo - the feeling that you've been afraid of this before.

   Chameleon cashiers give the best change

   I'm already a mess. I just need to add some hot to it.

   Drinking with your significant other is always a fun time so please respect our privacy at this crucial time.

   Where can I go now to get a good vodka, steak and mortgage?

   I started out this year with a goal of losing 30 pounds and I only missed it by 35 pounds

   I've only been on Facebook new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   The neighbors are already putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving who have obviously been shopping in Walmart.

   I'm tired of girlfriends treating me like a god, as in only call on me when they need something and ignore me the rest of the time.

   I'm back when penny candy was a penny years old.