Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to a resturant yesterday and I ordered the soup of the day. When they brought it I said, "This is chicken noodle soup. On the sign it says that the soup of the day is clam chowder." The waiter told me that because it's a leap year, all the soups ar

   Massacre

   Okay now that Christmas is over, I'm ready for summer!

   Where is your hug? Over there by the deodorant!

   ever ask why

   ask why

   The Philadelphia plane crash is a sign that the Eagles are going down in flames at the Super Bowl.

   Valentines

   I have the sex drive of a potato

   Canada is now offering assisted suicide. Don't worry about keeping your purchase receipt; even if you're dissatisfied with the outcome, you can't return.

   If Canada wasn't attached to the US, and copycatted everything about us, it'd be just another Kazakhstan.

   Jooz always starting something.

   I took a girl out last night. She said, "Tell me something about you that I don't know, Carl." I said, "I forgot my wallet!"

   Balloons are sort of nasty when you think about it: "Happy Birthday. Here's a rubber bag of my breath."

   There should only be one color! God made a mistake.

   Waking up both horny and single is like finding yourself in a game of solitaire – the action may be one-player only, but it's still a race for a winning hand!

   From Thunderdome .....to funeral home. RIP Tina Turner.

   I no longer wanna see heroes walking away from explosions but instead I wanna see them exit a helicopter without ducking.

   A gay gloryhole is basically “ take a cawk or leave a cawk”

   Pagw 250