Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I talk to an imaginary live studio audience when I'm making dinner.

   Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades.

   The good news is they're putting a woman on the $20 dollar bill... The bad news is it will be worth only $14.

   think I speak for everyone when I say no one can speak for all of us.

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already

   [Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election].. I dare you to build that wall, you son of a b**

   List of things I've accomplished today:,,,,, #1 Make accomplishment list..............................................................

   My boss writes ' for weiner touching' in the memo line on ALL my pay checks.... And YES,,, the bank tellers look at each other then smile at me

   He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good 'cause...Santa works for the NSA.

   It's like my cat is the only one who understands me....... * Cat rolls her eyes

   It's like my wife didn't even TRY to clean the house while I went out to play poker... I mean, how am I supposed to live like this?

   Sorry, I can't make it,,, months are just a really busy time of year for me

   I thought I suffered from low self-esteem. Turns out, I suffer from accurate self-esteem.

   When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.

   Yeah,, I've tried boxers before,, but everytime I ran, it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants..

   Day 4 of shut-down: As long as nobody lists the U.S. on eBay and let Canada or North korea buy us..... We should be fine.

   Sure the early bird gets the worm, but what does that say about the worm? He got up early too... Well, the point is,,, Ummm.

   Job Interview Tip: Don't move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer may think you're only after one thing.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   "Smells like...spring cleaning & fresh flowers"... *takes off blindfold*..."Nope, dead grandma!"..... - worst Febreze commercial ever