Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pete Hegseth's "five things I did this week" email is gonna be hilarious lol

   Many people think that Tuesday Weld is named after the second day of the week. But if that was true her name would be Monday Weld.

   If you're alone on Valentine's Day it's okay as you can love yourself enough do something nice for yourself like go out and buy your own candy and flowers, and trust me you're totally worth it!! Especially tomorrow at 80% off.

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   never forget, you are a part of the universe that became sentient for a while and decided to post pictures of cats on the internet

   I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

   We're gonna have to paint potatoes this Easter ya'll.

   F*** friends with benefits, give me bedable arrangements.

   The stock market has LOST 5 trillion dollars in 3 weeks... Donald Trump is the ozempic of the economy." LOL Bill Maher

   Worst case of SFT (stroking for Trump) I've ever seen. It is hilarious though.

   When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I'm no longer young.

   I have an open marriage in the sense that I'm allowed to open my mouth as long as I don't say anything stupid

   I went to a job interview the other day , Lady said She had 3 openings, I said I know .. still waiting for the call.

   it technicallly underwear if its all you are wearing?

   RIP: Olivia Fig Newton

   Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thank you!

   I don't know what to make for my dinner. In the refrigerator I have two all-beef patties and some special sauce, but I can't think of any other ingredients that I should add to these.

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it".

   The next pro-Tr*mp Post is 100% written by a guy who's been inside a five-year-old.