Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice tree dad, are you going to put it up yourself? No, I'm going to set it up in the house...

   Told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here. You just won't see me.

   Aliens: Planet Earth is strange. The male of the human species' primary focus is to insert a body part into a stench filled opening of a female body part. There are exceptions that also make no sense..

   Remember this: Johnny Depp is a superior actor over Amber Heard. This also applies to courtroom direct and cross examinations.

   In an Ironically turn of events, Ford recalled 43,000 white Ford Broncos yesterday. OK I made up the white part.

   My Grief Counselor died today. He was so good.. I don't even care!

   Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main course mam? Me: ok, but no tongue

   Filled up my car last week $110 but drove off without paying. I was up in court today and got fined $75. Follow me for more tips.

   President Thomas Jefferson once said, never believe anything you read on the internet.

   Aww poor baby! Do you want some cheese with your wine?

   Let's face it. Juneteeth is merely a replacement for a non-existent holiday in their culture... Father's Day.

   neurosurgeon: *removes Gary Koenig brain to blow on it and put it back in*

   The least the anonymous GaryKoenig can do is serve everyone a glass of water with his dry jokes.

   70 % of the World is water, none of it carbonated, therefore the Earth is flat.

   What does it say for Climate when the NHL ice hockey playoffs are played during the Summer between one team in Florida and the other in the dessert?

   Where exactly do they find those hot women in the calendar on the wall behind the front counter at the mechanic's garage? Enquiring minds want to know.

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.

   I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   Where I come from, we drive ourselves to court for driving without a license.

   SNL, Kimmel, Fallon, The Daily Show, Meyers, Colbert, Maher.... these are actually great television shows. Isn't it funny? That every late night talkshow or variety show, just makes fun of him and his minions? SO good 🤭 Not one is on his side.