Funny Status Messages

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

   I should know better never to drink coffee after midnight as it just turns me into a real night owl whoo can't sleep.

   I was listening to Sirius XM radio yesterday, and "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is" by Chicago came on. I said, "It's 3:19." No response. No "thank you" or "I appreciate it." Nothing.

   Oh, Daylight Saving Time, why hast thou forsaken us?

   Jesus final words on Good Friday " Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday."

   Think about this: The most fun part of golf is when it's your turn to hit the ball. So why is it that the more turns you get the less fun you have?

   Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dads out there who are killing it. This one's for you!!!

   You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.

   Dang, I hope that wasn't something we needed... (me vacuuming the bedroom)

   An old man shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress goes, "crushed nuts?" "No, no, no" he said. "Arthritis."

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

   Woke means waking up from sleep. Stop trying to change meanings of words.

   Monica Lewinsky was asked last night if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever . She said, "Close but no cigar".

   Why are you all still shooting off fireworks? It's July 8th for crying out loud! One of them flew off course and almost hit my Christmas tree!

   I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak. (another great post by Gary K.

   I can relate to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. Sort of. I dreamt an old girlfriend chased me around the bed with a machete after eating a box of Ex-Lax.

   If you ever need someone to look like a complete idiot in your photographs, I'm your guy.

   Pickleball is ghey

   If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.