Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid the guy across the street from us was in the Mob,really nice guy too,every morning he would pay me $10 just to start his car for him.

   Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…

   Rest assured, when we make fun of him and you? It's not because we're having a meltdown. We don't live in your country. It's because we're laughing at you. And it's funny to watch your reactions here. We're happy he won. It's great comedy. SO funny!

   With the way 2023 has been going I couldn't decide if wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   When it comes to jokes about elves, I'm a little short.

   I prefer Triamcinolone over Desitin for my abdominal fold rash.

   since twitter doubled the length of tweets, does that mean now I double the name? I'm gonna go post a tweet tweet

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a turkey legs. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   A farmer friend of mine is really upset today. His wife sent him a Deere John letter.

   You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

   Hey, 'Crats. Congratulations on losing the election in Florida yesterday to the 'Publicans. We still control the House. Your party is over. Bye bye now.

   Wrapping some Christmas presents and just want to say that if any of you get a really nice pair of scissors from me I need them back.

   Trumps diaper could easily be seen through his pants today on the golf course. HILARIOUS!!!!

   I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   I let a lot of stuff slide cause prison don't serve the food I like.

   Wisdom: A friend of mine had two small kidney stones. He didn't want surgery so he went to the bathroom and "wisdom" out.

   Elon Musk gone git Twitter so we can have are freedom to spread misinformation once again, h'yck, h'yck...

   Joke telling advice: If you tell a joke and nobody laughs, you're not going to improve the situation by yelling, "Ha! Ha! Ya get it?!!"

   Burger King - We don’t snitch.