Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   STD:Stop the Donald. Don’t let the disease spread.

   I swear I can feel my brain buffering... please hold while I load my next thought!

   I looked up lighters on Ebay and all I could find was 13,749 matches.

   Ancient proverbs say "Nobody sleeps when the cat's bowl is empty".

   Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

   My idea of camping is a Motel 6 with a broken ice machine and no cable.

   Today's tip: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

   Relaxing, Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything...

   Santa put down the pen! I can explain everything!

   Each family member of a gunned down individual gets 24 hours with the culprit, they can't kill him, but they are allowed to water-board him, jam bamboo under his fingernails, you get the idea....Deterrent

   When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July. 🤔

   One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

   To get rid of unwanted junk during the holidays, put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.

   Just accidentally swiped right on my ex's profile while scrolling through Tinder. My thumb must have been possessed by the ghost of relationship past. Had to perform some emergency thumb CPR to swipe left!

   If you think a bunch of billionaires woke up one morning and decided to have your best interest at heart? You're a special ***ing kind stupid.

   I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse today. I named it Jake from Steak Farm.

   When I Went To The Market I Saw A Lady Carrying A Baby Up Side Down

   If you're ever wondering who your real Facebook friends are. Delete your account and see who calls....

   A group of 25 people all huddled yelling You're a sheep as I walk into the store and put my mask on. And ask me for a beer as I walk out. Baaaah NOPE!

   Just when I think I'm not a very good Catholic, I remember that the previous Pope wasn't a very good Catholic either.