Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dense fog advisory. Couldn't you just say its moisture content doesn't go all the way to the top stratosphere? Calling it dense seems pretty insensitive.

   Don't buy plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment. Locally sourced all natural skeletons are more environmentally friendly.

   I don't stand for women's rights. I sit for them... and have them bring me a sandwich and a beer.

   Someone stole my identity... And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said, "So sorry man. Hope things work out".

   Has anyone noticed that the folks who claim,, "Eating turkey on Thanksgiving is cruel and unethical", just happen to also be the "Pro-Choice" crowd?

   In an effort to repay her $20 million campaign debt, Kamala Harris has scheduled a fight with Jake Paul.

   It's tax time. Every time we drive up to our new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You two weren't tailed, were you?"

   Will never understand people who look both ways before entering the traffic circle?

   I'll never own a German Shepherd dog. Have you ever noticed how many of their owners go blind?

   Hey bro, just because you have on a Tapout shirt doesn't mean you can't get your arse beat!

   Elon Musk has given a whole new meaning to the term Flipping the Bird.

   Dump means it, or doesn't mean it, or didn't mean it but now means it, or he meant it but now doesn't mean he meant it, or he didn't mean he meant it but now doesn't mean he means it, or he does, or he doesn't, or maybe he's a stupid f*cking lying cvnt

   If everything tastes like us, then why do we have to die? –Chickens

   Our entire planet is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere placed on a shelf in an alien student's classroom as a science fair project that got a C minus.

   No matter whether you liked the halftime performance or not, one thing is certain. That dressing room stunk afterwards.

   Dear Autocorrect: It's never "duck." It is NEVER "duck."

   Life in Kentucky is weird, for example we can't make ice anymore because the old lady with the recipe died

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

   We got a new 12 pack of large eggs. Looking to trade for 2022 or newer Range Rover with low miles. DM for pics of the eggs.

   They say do something today that makes the world a better place….so I’m getting drunk.