Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My coffee is so black, it's running for President

   Home Depot is almost out of orange safety vests.

   It takes skill to trip over cordless phones!

   The way I just scratched my back on the corner of the wall, leads me to believe I would have been an above average stripper.

   I remember when you all were funny.

   If a 16-year old wants to adopt a child, she's not allowed by the government. She doesn't have the emotional maturity or the financial means to raise a child. But if she gets pregnant.....how does that make sense?

   My friend just asked me if I'd seen his dog bowl......I was amazed and asked "What's his Average"

   I got some Dr. Scholl's shoe cushions. I don't think a Doctorate Degree is needed to come up with shoe cushions. I would have bought them from a Mr. Scholl.

   I identify as a donkey. My pronouns are Hee/Haw.

   If a Plant is sad, do other plants Photosympathize with it?

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart is currently looking like a fight-to-the-death battle Royal between the all day Pajama People vs the Sweat Pants crowd.

   I make seven figures but the first two are zero.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Sunday morning.

   The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

   There is no such thing as men's clogs.

   I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

   I put two quarters in my ears this morning and thought I was listening to 50 Cent.

   Today is Liberation Day! Also known as the largest tax and inflation hike for working class families in history.

   Dow extends longest win streak of 2025 as S&P 500, Nasdaq climb

   You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror