Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The groundhog saw his shadow. And then he outran six employees from Golden Corral.

   Bad News, Punxsutawney Phil just predicted 6 more seasons of "Desparate Housewives"."

   I order all my food with extra gluten.

   Marriage tip 101: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   Pop two more balloons and we win a stuffed animal... Which ironically, is also made in China...

   I'm so country I dim my headlights for on coming street lights.

   Why didn’t we use the Seattle Space Needle to take down the Chinese balloon?

   Misery

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!

   I watched Biden's SOTU speech at the community clinic in Spanish and it still sucked.....

   Let's face it, your life's probably not all that exciting if you're looking at your phone all the time updating how exciting it is.

   I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

   Wondering how can I get my wife the perfect Valentines gift when she already has me.

   Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

   I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into Brandon voters

   So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

   If you’re reading this & I’m married to you… I’m locked out. Come let me in.

   Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

   I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

   Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.