Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   Who let: da dog out

   Suddenly, California has too much water! Let’s play a game called, simmer-sin-sink-or-swim.

   Activate Flying Monkeys!

   The best thing about a woman on the Right, no ding-dong.

   Biden: No more gas stoves!

   I’m not the bigger person, better leave me alone.

   If swimming is good exercise, then explain whales.

   Be willing to walk alone. Many who started with you, won’t finish with you.

   When the new girl wants to spend the night; “the couch pulls out, but I don’t.”

   It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

   Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

   It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

   i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

   What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

   Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

   I think of Frank Zappa Every time I microwave a hotdog