Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   You didn’t notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.

   The first five days after the weekend are always hard.

   At first, I didn’t like my beard; then it grew on me.

   Broken pencils are pointless.

   What’s up cake? Muffin much.

   If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work.

   Stop calling yourself hot; the only thing you turn on is the microwave.

   Pro Tip: If you drink enough beer, your Tinder date starts to look like their profile picture.

   When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One says, “eat the chocolate.” The other says, “you heard me right, eat it.”

   Cougar Area: Please stay on trails, travel in small groups and do not allow men under 30 to travel alone.

   i could never be president. I'm overqualified.