Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Back in 5 minutes ~ if not, read this again.

   A big shout-out to ATM fees, for making me buy my own money.

   T.G.I.A. ~ Thank goodness I’m awesome!

   It hurts when you start to unfriend someone and find out that they’ve already beaten you to it.

   Thank you, warning label. I almost used my toaster in the shower this morning.

   Friends are like boobs: some are real, and some are fake.

   Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

   I dance like a car dealership’s inflatable tube man.

   A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

   Bite me again – my bottom lip

   got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

   Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

   i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in January

   Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   Want to talk trash? Recycle.

   cow: [feeling sick] I have four stomachaches

   A man's home is his castle. UNTIL the queen comes home.

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.....The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.... Feeling better today

   Who knew Top Secret docs make excellent shop towels?

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.