Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common

   I don't know whether to laugh at you or pity you

   has never went to bed with an ugly girl, just woke up with a few THANKS ALCOHOL

   unfriended several people. Apparently the whole "other people can see what you say on here" concept doesn't resonate with them.

   How good was last night? Last night was so good, I actually tried to order a vodka tonic at Jimmy John's Subs...If only you would've seen the cashier's face

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

   -don't follow my footsteps, I walk into walls

   wishes my lawn was suicidal, then maybe it would cut itself!

   facebook-The only place where married men can poke multiple hotties and stay married.

   out making some changes in his life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes

   thinks scare-crows should get Nobel prizes because they are out standing in their field

   says single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and then go to the fridge..........

   plans on dressing up as Kanye West for Halloween and just before the kids yell "Trick or Treat", jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is better".

   a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never hear the end of it

   I always give 100% at work:13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday

   wanted a motorcycle when he left school, but his mother said no. She had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18..... So she said I could just have his.

   .. lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this.

   having a facebook moment!

   wondering who is gonna bring me my check now that Ed McMahan is gone ?

   thought "John & Kate Plus 8" sounded like a porno-- Now, definitely, "Kate Plus 8" really sounds like one.