Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.

   Listen, I don't make the rules,,, Where I come from, when you lick something and yell MINE,, it's yours.....So, ya know, get in my van please.

   I was going to ask my neighbors if they would continue exploding things even though July 4th is over,,, and it's like they read my mind.

   Doing my taxes this morning was so frustrating that most of my refund will be heading right back into the swear jar.

   Parents,, instead of telling your child don't let the bedbugs bite, here's a crazy idea...Maybe buy your kid a new frigging mattress?

   My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super badass and hilarious

   The human heart has four chambers : Rumpus room, Tradesmans Entrance, Wine Cellar and Guest Bedroom

   Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles..... After all,, You know what they say about old habits.

   My dog constantly looks at me like I asked him to give me a ride to the airport.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers,,, You'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.

   I often find myself rewording a long post so many times, that it completely loses the original subject... This one started off about bacon

   If the Starbucks is less than a block away, it's an extension of your house and you can go in your pajamas.. That's the law

   Oh you jumped on the elevator to go ONE floor?,,, Your cankles must be so tired.....

   Someone should tell Disney that a "true love's kiss" has WAAAAY more tongue.

   Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

   My4FavoriteThings: 1) Long walks on the beach... 2) Long walks back to the car.. 3) Long walks on the beach looking for car keys.. 4) Long waits for AAA

   This years summer swimsuit look is going to be a little something I like to call... busted can of biscuits.

   These tornadoes are awful...I blame the violence in tornado themed video games

   I tried to bring sexy back,,, but they said it wasn't in it's "original" condition