Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knows the difference between a straight girl and a lesbian. About a bottle and a half of wine.

   has watched so much kids TV lately that women that look like Dora are starting to turn his head. Swiper! No swiping!

   Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

   Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

   Life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it!

   I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

   I may not be always right but I'm never wrong

   : How do you keep a facebook friend busy? Refresh this screen to find the answer.

   ..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..

   would like to thank his liver for all the support, this weekend . . . Couldnt have done it without you, old friend !

   Playing hide and seek with boredom... I found it!

   is Loading ████████████ 99%

   THERES A VAN ACROSS THE STREET THAT SAYS "FREE CANDY" I WONDER IF THEY HAVE TOOTSIE POPS....IM GOING TO CHECK! :)

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.

   Do you realise that in 40 years time,there will be alot of old ladies walking around with tatoos

   if I had to have both my arms amputated I'd just shrug it off.

   wondering whether Lady Gaga dresses up like a normal person when it's halloween.

   insured by Smith and Wesson

   Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...

   says my wife just accused me of being self-centered.... I nearly fell off my throne!