Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was driving home the other day and saw the most beautiful rainbow, and then I had the disturbing thought, that gay people use this symbol to recognize each other. I think that is Ghey...

   knows whats the diference between a wife and a girlfriend..? Its about $200.

   moved on to a better place & you're not coming.

   getting sick of following his dreams, so he's gonna find out where they are going and catch up to them later.

   98.23% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

   imagining a world with no hypothetical situations.

   n't letting people drive him crazy when he knows its within walking distance.

   ....saying, "I apologize.", is the same as saying, "I'm sorry.".... unless you're at a funeral.

   ...The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

   has a friend that was recently diagnosed with multiple personalities... yesterday he called me... my caller I.D. exploded.

   Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Yankees players on them ...people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

   just watched CSI: Ozarks. The case went unsolved. Everyone's DNA was the same and there were no dental records.

   thinks he messed up. One of my wife's girlfriends came over to the house crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

   To make it straight, she pulls it. 2 make it stand, she rubs it. 2 make it stiff, she licks it. 2 let it “IN” she pushes it. !!!! True! Threading a needle is not easy!!!

   knows the difference between a straight girl and a lesbian. About a bottle and a half of wine.

   has watched so much kids TV lately that women that look like Dora are starting to turn his head. Swiper! No swiping!

   Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

   Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

   Life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it!

   I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.