Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else !!

   a pessimist is an experienced optimist.

   gonna write something funny but I cracked under pressure

   thinks red meat isn't bad for you, green furry meat is!

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   out back building a big helium balloon... Wanna go for a ride?

   out like the Red Sox! good night!

   just because you have one doesnt mean you have to act like one

   as cool as a winter breeze over a cucumber garden.

   a goal without a plan is just a wish.

   true friends stab you in the front.

   transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. They're on me. Enjoy!

   run out of pictures to colour in, in my colouring in book... I guess that is enough work for a Friday...

   just realized if you take a glow stick and tie a piece of dental floss on the end , it looks like a radioactive tampon! Or what my ex girlfriend's might look like now!

   gonna party like it's 1929.

   When someone is waiting for you to leave so they can take your parking spot: 1) Pretent to turn key. 2) Exit car. 3) Open hood and look frustrated.

   cant believe its not butter

   suddenly has an urge to go for a balloon ride over Colorado.

   What have a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken got in common, By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have is a Hot Stinky Box to throw your bone in.