Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   with all due repect, its hard to believe in god when certain people have yet to be disentigrated by bolts of lightning

   give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, give a man a religeon, he'll starve to death praying for a fish

   thinks Falcon needs to have his dose of Ritilin increased.

   ...When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

   thinks employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   gonna update this status, but I got high. I was gonna let you in on my life, but I got high. Now I'm behind the times, and I know why... hey eh, cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high!

   the shadow on the moon at night, Filling your dreams to the brim with fright!

   This just in...BALLOON BOY IS SAFE! For all of his actions leading to safe recovery of the six year old, Obama has been awarded a 2nd Nobel Prize!

   thinks Marge Simpson's playboy spread was done very tastefully.

   hoping Marge Simpson poses for Hustler next.

   Halloween is coming… and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.

   it wrong that I find Home Alone the greatest movie of all time?

   What happened to the good ole days… Like when Britney Spears would shave her head!

   Fantasy football is about as close as most men will ever get to being a professional athlete.

   Don't mess with Packer fans, it not nice to pick on retards!

   was so surprise when I was born that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

   got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

   gettin by with a little help from my friends.

   If money could talk, it would say goodbye.