Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gonna give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! ONE. TWO. TEN!

   used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he's good at everything.

   going to stop being so indecisive, no wait, yes I am, maybe..... I guess I will try again tomorrow or maybe sometime next week.

   says "friends with benefits" sounds better than "f*ck buddies".

   Do you think Popeye would still want Olive Oyl if he knew how much Rachel Ray uses her?

   preparing to defend himself with the STRENGTH of a grizzly, the REFLEXES of a puma, and the WISDOM of a man!

   ...My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   Had imaginary friends as a kid, I mean they were real kids that lived on my street, I would just imagine them to be my friends :)

   tonight, alcohol would be proud of me

   thinks "romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

   hates it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic

   A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

   They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

   wants to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off!!!

   ...When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

   drinks too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   could tell his parents hated him... his bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   Don't act sexist! B$tches hate that!

   stole this status from a homeless guy, why he had a status that says this, I'll never know!

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter!