Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

   I've reached the age where I appreciate a nice handrail.

   Call me old fashion, but I'm glad my mom was a woman.

   If I was a cr4ck addict, I might drive to another state to drop off a laptop and then forget about it.

   Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

   My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

   Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

   what do asians do when they have Erections? Vote

   I was a little embarrassed today......Didn't find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

   Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

   I expect Twitter to remain mostly the same under Elon except it’ll somehow get massive federal subsidies and occasionally burst into flames

   Remember: When something goes wrong in the circus, they send in the clowns to distract the audience. Well, something has gone very wrong with this circus, and the clowns are everywhere.

   I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

   Juneteenf

   Can I borrow...Nope You got...Nope Can you let me...Nope Just practicing for 2022👌🤣

   Choked eating peach cobbler today, nipples got hard. Worried about myself.

   It's sad when I search, "Delta variant", and all but one are about the airline.

   Capt James T Kirk just told you the world isn't flatt .

   you can’t possibly embarrass me. I experienced ego death at the age of twelve when the plumber caught me making out with my alicia keys poster

   Some of you ladies have more inches of snow outside than your man has in his pants.