Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q. What does a day old donut have in common with Betty White? A. They're both pretty dry when you eat them.

   I don't know much of what happened in Judge Jackson's confirmation, but I do know she did not cry and said she liked beer.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the couch in April and have grown bigger ever since

   Ladies, just so you know, 'Mansplaining' is short for 'Man Explaining'...

   It's not student loan forgiveness, it's just shifting the tax burden from the borrowers to the non-borrowers.

   The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

   Why can't the women on Price is Right wear thongs and a bikini top? The dudes go topless at times...

   Pfizer: raising the deads (viagra) and now saving the livings (vac)

   If Jada has a problem with jokes about alopecia, that's hair loss.

   Bedtime Tip: Ring the doorbell on your way to bed at night...this will clear the dogs off your bed long enough for you to get in and get comfortable...

   it normal to be out of breath when eating three Burrito Supremes?

   HR says that putting my pants on doesn’t mean I can take my top off

   Do you suppose Ghosts believe in People?

   I think it is so unfair that I have to manage my anger because other people can't manage their stupidity.

   The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

   I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

   "I'm sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ~ Angus Young of AC/DC

   and they seized the biggest land they ever seized illegally. Yet idiotz complain why are the rockets sheling.

   Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

   there a rehab for gossiping? I don't need it, but I'll tell you who does