Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   n't it ironic how life starts sucking at the exact same time that you wake up every day?

   Porter Ridge. For those times when Turtle Man just isn't back-woods enough...

   Makers Mark... Now with more Water !!! Same price !!! Going from 45 percent by volume to 42 percent by volume.

   Self Righteousness is a form of guilt that arises from discrimination

   I just read that the thoughts in our heads that we tell ourselves are actually things we were told as a young child that we have taken as truth... Dear grandkid… you are smart & amazing & you are going to buy yr Gramma chocolate everyday when she gets o

   Please FFS I have no interest in knowing what your tattoo means.

   i'm looking for the type of girl I can close my eyes and wish for every time its 11:11 and then open my eyes and see the most beautiful sandwich

   Ordale Pues, Lift Up Your Dress and I'll Do the Rest from Your Feet to Your Chest!

   called work and called in sick. I was told I cannot as I have taken all my entitled sick leave. I said "No...I meant I'm calling in as sick from work"

   was just asked by his mum to stop saying "I'm hungry" and to find something new to say fo once. So I said "OK...I'm horny for food!"

   the homeless guy who gives me handies for five bucks made me sanitize my junk first because of COVID concerns. that is pretty woke for a homeless dude.

   I pretty much doubt hillbillies have big back accounts. Big moonshine bottles, yes, but not big bank accounts.

   There was a study done on the effects alcohol has on walking. The results were staggering.

   No thanks. Jingle all the way sounds exhausting

   Facebook has crashed. Save your p0sts for now.

   When you tell a woman to show her teeth when she smiles, make sure you pronounce the word "Teeth" correctly to avoid being slapped.

   Inspirational status: If you can make a person happy today don't do it. Punch them in the face instead and steal their shoes.

   It's like...pizza is the perfect food if you have a dog. Say the dog watches you while you eat, like he's begging. So just give the crusts to the dog. He'll think he's getting his way.

   If you do the hokey pokey & turn yourself around, does that make you the bottom?

   50 cents was cheaper. Then building a Tupac hologram.