Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

   The Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters.

   B*tches be like "like if you're awake" and I'll be like "b*tch, it's only 11:23"!

   I was happily watching a Bermuda Philharmonic concert when the guy on triangle disappeared.

   Great job keeping crap out of my eye, eyelash that's currently in my eye.

   "A message from all delivery drivers" If there are no numbers of your house you need to address that.

   We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

   synchronized noseblowing

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch...

   One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

   There's a problem with Kinect for X-Box... If I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   I don't get why people pay $400 or more a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

   My mama told me I could become anything I wanted. So I became a problem.

   I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

   I wish I had the confidence of someone who puts the ziplock bag of food back in the fridge without distinctly hearing the clicks of the zipper

   I never thought that an ex-stripper, gold-digger would be more respected than every doctor in the world, but here we are.

   Bite me. Football starts next week and I'm watching it. 🐬

   I bet Philip Sees more Coffins...."drops mic, gives crowd the middle finger and walks off stage

   European oral cancer patients are rising at an extremely fast rate. Why you say? They are having the type of cancer which commonly occurs in female gentalïa. Calm Down on those disgusting practices