Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once dated a girl in college with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   I don't want the vaccine but I'll get mad if it's given to others in need, because Jesus taught us that helping other people in need is stupid.

   I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of change at me. Like yes, I know you have more money than I do, no need to brag about it.

   So, you people disrespect restaurant food service workers. You also say $2.13 per hour is too much and if they don't like it they should find another job. Now, your local restaurant is closed. Cry me a river.

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds...

   A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm. So I peed on her

   Did you know that Kamala Harris was in the movie The Wizard of Oz? She was the wicked witch of the west, and she didn't even have to act.

   Who thinks Monkeypox is the government's next excuse to take away more of our freedoms?

   I never knew Masklophobia existed until I encountered 2021.

   After you eat an edible there is a specific moment in time after which you may not post on Facebook.

   Got fired for being too early

   Some guys should have beards - Ugly, overweight.. Some guys shouldn't - Good looking, like myself.

   For some reason, I'm encouraged to find and marry an international escort too.

   Frnd : did you watch Barcelona v/s Bayern... ME : No.. I don't like to watch p orn !!!

   Just because it’s called make-up, it doesn’t mean it’s supposed to make-up 99% of your face!

   After my recent blind taste test, I was arrested and put in a mental institution for eating blind people.

   I only takeSTD test in jail. I like all my bad news atone time

   If incest is good enough for the royal family, then it's good enough for mine. - Rednecks

   Some boys will wear dark sunglasses in church, then be blaming God later when they end up being Welders.