Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The main difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo is that no one pretends to be Mexican on Cinco de Mayo.

   Just because you're trash doesn't mean you cant do great things...Its called a Garbage Can,Not a Garbage Cannot.

   Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

   When summer comes and California starts burning, try to act surprised.

   I'm almost 60. That's the age you start thinking to yourself: Is a reverse mortgage right for me?

   I love contactless delivery. They just throw the slop at your door and I run out like a little pig.

   what is the deal with this freaking ISIS? What the heck do they want? Why are they so barbarically slaughtering everyone. Could it be that they are begging for US to return? Could it be that the US is wanting to return? Could it be "hence" thy wre creatd?

   CVS Clerk: "Would you like a reciept?" Me: "Sure" *God uses two fingers to slowly close the eyes of an entire rain forest*

   In the year is 2024.. Justin Bieber's cover of Mambo #5 has topped the charts for the past 10 years and has been declared the National Anthem.

   Shouldn't "Ninja" be with a silent "N"?

   does things the Chicago way - He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue!

   Finally brings some authenticity to his movie, Dead Poets Society don't ya think?

   Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

   I am going to change the name of my ipod to "The Ship." That way when I plug it into the computer, it says, "The Ship is syncing."

   you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

   I send women a picture of my medicine cabinet so they know Exactly what they are getting into 😛

   I told my boss today I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Number one Pick Up Line for 2022: “I have a full tank of gas.”

   Million Dollar Idea: Take the flood waters from the northeast and dump them on the fires in the west.

   This is a literal cry baby site.