Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your wife is so fat, when she runs she makes the mp3 player skip... at the radio station.

   I am so homophobic that I don't even like touching myself.

   ironically, to a Patriots fan like me, the signing of Tim Tebow is proof there is no god.

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes...... "No hablo ingles."

   Old Louie shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, 'crushed nuts'? 'No, miss', he replied ... arthritis."

   How much weed does it take to bake a Potato ?

   Wow, wife was ticked off when she found out I donated as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

   How to tell if someone is fully vaccinated? Scan their chip.

   If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

   Without Trump in the White House, I don't think I'll have the will to live.

   I was surprised to learn that Elon Musk was from South Africa. I figured he would be from Mad-at-gas-car...

   April Fools Day is coming up this Saturday. Look for lots of articles about global warming.

   The guy who named the "Chimichanga" should really be given more authority to name things

   There have been a lot of tasteless jokes about the lost Titan submarine. How could people sink so low?

   If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

   You never think it’ll happen to you and then boom, you get catfished by an empty box of donuts.

   Will Smith's marriage is open to everything except jokes.

   Here is some good free advice. When you see someone gorgeous, this is what I do. I just stare until I get tired, then I put the mirror down and go do something else.

   I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

   Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my…...sh*t she’s coming. To be continued.