Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

   Wanna feel old? In about 6years it will be the roaring 20s again

   Just beat a mime to death with my air guitar.

   I'll never forget when Dad tried to teach me to swim by pushing me off the boat. And when he taught me to drive by pushing me out the car.

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

   Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   I know it's hard to tell,, but Chewbacca actually trims his pubes.

   Last month,, An ancient tampon was found in a cave in the Yucatan... Archaeologists are not sure which period it's from.

   To the neighbors who have plastic flowers prominently displayed in their yard: Thanks, my home is now worth ten dollars on Zillow.

   Go ahead, tell a woman she can do whatever she wants, like she wasn't already.

   FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

   I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.

   I feel a little better when I remember that Lady Gaga is just as scared of us, as we are of it.

   Give a man a fish,, and with MY LUCK,, he'll heat it up in our office microwave.

   "How can I possibly be losing to this guy?"......... *every Republican presidential candidate not named Trump

   I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

   My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   love how music takes you away to another place... For example, RobinThick is playing at this bar, so now I’m going to another bar.

   The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder...See how things can escalate quickly Susan??