Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

   I've never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did.

   Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

   It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

   It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

   Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

   All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

   happy to learn what bra color all my female friends are wearing today!

   was almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank goodness the Wal-Mart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!

   loves it when a parent only has pictures of their kids as profile pictures and none of themselves. You can never be too careful these days.

   accepted the People's Choice award for best portrayal of a status update

   Someone came up to me and said "T.G.I.F. Thank god its Friday!" I replied "S.H.I.T. Sorry hun,it's Thursday."

   It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south. Hurricanes and tornados, people still go to work, but let a white flake fall out of the sky, and oh Sh*t!!!!

   just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.

   just started my new job as an Historian this morning. I've got a big day behind me.

   says roses are red, violets are blue, you're my facebook friend, but I don't like you.

   Would like to fist pump "The Situation" right in face!!

   wondering why Band*Aid doesnt make ethnically colored bandages

   should have been a Solid Gold dancer