Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

   I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

   Rand Paul has been tested positive for Coronavirus. Yes!!!! Thank you lord! Thank you Jesus Christ!

   This morning I removed my sleep shorts and put on my boxer shorts and then put on a pair of normal shorts. Worst short story ever...

   They say vapor-rub is good for a stomach ache.. but I think it tastes terrible.. and it gave me diarhrea...

   Being in a relationship is solving problems together; Problems you wouldn't have if you were single.

   Took some kids to Disneyland and overheard a 13 year old boy wondering if he may be pansexual since he loves skillets,” The movie "Idiocracy" had nothing on this woke society

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   Dear God, I could have wished a happy Father's day but decided against it considering how an absent, unaring and neglecting dead-beat dad you have been. I bet Kanye West would make a better father than you.

   had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

   You know All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

   A vessel that didn't undergo a certification process, had issues on all of its previous dives, and was operated utilizing an aftermarket video game controller. What could possibly go wrong?

   Ultimate dad move: Tattoo a saddle on their leg.

   the more things change, the more they stay the same.

   Hope all of you who received a book from me for Christmas thoroughly enjoy them! Oh and don't forget they need to be back the library by the 30th.

   Peter Griffith : Now There's a Family Guy .

   if "octo" means 8, why is October the 10th month?

   OK, it's official. Tide Pods don't taste anywhere near as good as they look. (Don't ask me how I know this...)

   Who is Valentines? And why is my Wife talking about her a lot lately?