Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them

   Girls improve their looks not their mind, because they know guys are stupid, not blind.

   Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

   Today at school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.

   Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

   Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

   Future Quotes, Quotations & Sayings I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

   The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

   The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.

   If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

   Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

   People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

   So I spent $25.00 for a Tiger Woods DVD titled " My Favorite 18 Holes"....... turns out it was all about golf....

   says they're giving up to $1000 for a human guinea pig at the University science dept!....(twitch)..I did it last time and I'm just fine......(twitch)

   ATTENTION: The National Weather service in Texas has issued a HOLLY SH1T ITS FRICKING COLD ADVISORY. Be prepared, use the "budy system" when staying warm tonight!

   Happy 75th Birthday,Elvis!

   Instead of telling everybody what color is your damn bra, put 2 bucks in the freaking can at the shopping center if you really want to help people with breast cancer, for Christ's sake!! Stop talking on facebook and give money!

   was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers ! ! !

   n honor of vasectomy awareness, for the rest of the day, all men should post the color of their undergarments on their FB status. I'll start. Paisley