Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I learned you can use disposable masks to brew Espresso. That’s because they’re Coughy filters.

   Cant' wait for the Bidens sentencing day.

   Remember, you can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of, "bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

   I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

   If you play a Nickelback CD backwards you hear Ozzy laughing his arse off because you bought a Nickelback CD.

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get my arse home'

   Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.

   Overheard: “Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

   A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

   HEY amerikanski, if your country is so good why you still in Iraq and fat?

   "Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see" a two-faced man.

   How I see dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Chihuahua, Pekingese, Poodle, Pug. How I see cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat.

   I sleep with a gun under my bed, in case someone breaks in and decides to throw clay pigeons into the air.

   Don't trust real doctors? You think their purpose in life is to fool the whole world? Then ask your local feed store if Ivenmectin is right for you.

   Does anyone know if we can take showers yet? Or should we just keep washing our hands

   I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

   What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

   Covid vaccine now FDA approved. You can shut your pie hole now and get the jab. Oh, you won't? You were lying? Shocker.

   Forgive and forget? What do I look like? Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He also had a pretty cool winter but his summer wasn't that hot.