Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

   Sad Fact Of Life #222: No one actually needs to wear ace bandages. Wrapping some cloth around a body part doesn't do anything, except draw attention to your imaginary affliction…and your desperate need for attention.

   It takes a natural disaster in Haiti for the US government to step up and donate money and aid and go above and beyond to offer assiatnce. Yet, they are too incompetent to do the same thing in our own country.

   If the press in Haiti would quit complaining about how things aren't getting done, and would put their cameras & mics down and search, more people might be found!

   preshents to you the ballishtic missile shubmarine Red October

   The difference between women and girls are the price of their boy toys.

   on Team Conan.

   Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then

   The price of Voodoo has just gone up.

   why does snoop dogg carry around an umbrella... --fo drizzle!

   two cannibals are eating a clown...one says, does this taste funny to you???

   what do you tell a woman who has two black eyes... nothing you've already told her twice!

   decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, and gyrated for over an hour. Unfortunately, by the time I got the leotard ON, the class was over.

   For now on I'll have to make sure the bottle of KY jelly and the bottle of superglue are properly labeled. Man was that painfully awkward.

   hates men that treat every woman with Bipolar, Stop being an a**hole in a crowd and being nice when you two are alone, just stop being a c*ck and tell her what you really want!"

   if you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step....

   Mike Ahern took a viagra (it got got stuck in his neck now he has a stiff neck,) licked a smurf, ran over his cell phone in the dining room, talked to a banana and karate chopped his dog in the elevator. It's gonna be a looong day

   just discovered kittens DO NOT have removable parts..(if you do detach portions of your kitten you MUST replace the WHOLE kitten)....

   wonders why we dont have names for earthquakes

   thanks for being a sperm donor, deadbeat!