Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for very infectious diseases

   My wife just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.

   You seem like the kind of person who pickles things in their free time.

   My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

   Breaking News: Utah police are seeking the Gooch in connection with the death of Arnold Jackson. Anyone with information is asked to call Crime Stoppers at (800)-555-TIPS all calls are strictly confidential.

   in honor of Michael Jackson, I think I will start the day off with the famous "crazy feet" dance and end with grabbing my foster home sack!!

   Texas...where covid-19 has better reproduction rights than women.

   I will take two 20 year olds over a 40 year old any day!

   If you're cold, stand in the corner. It's usually 90 degrees

   Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

   Anyone know how to get a club soda stain out?

   American Police Force giving ISIS a run for its money in the brutality department.

   3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics 2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

   Can you catch Covid-19 from someone's fart? I'm in an elevator and we're all dying from someone's flatulence in here...Ugh!

   When ur wife keeps her head on ur chest N slowly asks, "Dear, do you have any women in ur life other than me"? Remember ur answer is not important at this time, what is important is ur heartbeat. Keep calm n breathe easy. It's A biometic test

   The President's old Ferrari sold at auction for $270,000. It would've sold for more but it had some pre-existing conditions.

   Any girls that are jealous they can't get in on this, "Me too" craze sweeping Social media today, hmu. I think I can help you out

   The corconavirus was originally gonna invade the USA but ChucK Norris kicked kicked so hard it landed in Chinaso hard

   What did a Hillary supporter say to a Trump supporter on Thanksgiving ? - Happy Thanksgiving America ! from a Canada :)