Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if you take Johnson & Johnson, Pfizer, and Moderna at the same time and just let them fight it out inside you?

   Nomadland won the Oscar for Best Picture. Was this an actual movie or a description of movie theaters in 2020?

   Diet day 4: If you eat the entire box of donuts, I'm pretty sure that counts as "One Serving"....

   Daylight Saving Time arrives early Sunday morning. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   A russian young lady of fassion had oodles and oodles of passion to her lovers she said as the climb into bed here's one thing those commies can't ration

   Your wife included! She enjoys it the most!

   I hate it when I am flirting with a hot girl and the fat girl between us thinks I am flirting with her fat ass.

   Last night I lied in bed, looking at the stars & thought..... Where in the heck did my ceiling go..

   my real name is Yosef Boots. My meat is so small it looks like a clit with a kneecap!

   I love Trump so much, I'm willing to make up anything in order to make Joe Biden look bad. Come back Trump, I can't live without you!!!

   If I could change one thing I did in 2021, I would change not spending the night, in the streets of Dallas, to wait for the resurrection of JFK Jr.

   What's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White? Paul Walker got to 100 before he died.

   My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie. Should I tell him now or let him learn?

   I sent my family tree into Ancestry.com. They sent me back a packet of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

   ..was reading the bookThe Dog That Never Dies. She couldn't put it down.

   :If you need to check our astrology signs to see if we are compatible... we are not.

   I just read that people eat more bananas than monkeys. Makes sense to me. I've never eaten a monkey.

   Vaccine shots are a gateway drug to concerts.

   As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?