Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why does my Pirates of the Caribbean CD have a Piracy warning. I think it goes without saying right?

   My mechanic couldnt fix my breaks so he put in a louder horn.

   I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation... My Czech is in the mail

   it was Selection Sunday, so March Madness has officially arrived. Twelve hours a day of college basketball — or as sports fans call it, payback for "The Bachelor."​

   No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!

   So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

   I can't tell the difference between Melania Trump and Kaitlyn Jenner.

   Only rich people can figure out a way to die on the Titanic 111 years later.

   got bitten by a mosquito and I liked it

   It's pretty bad when you have to have HIV testing at your parade. What type of pride is that?

   When will these social media model wannabes learn that guys drool over anything. The only things required are 2 t'ts, a hole, and a heartbeat. Heartbeat optional.

   I'm almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.

   Guilty, on all three counts!!! Let the complaining and crying begin! I have my popcorn ready.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be a lot more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   I have a small request. Would you IiberaIs go f yourselves? Thanks.

   A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

   Also, never seen anyone wear a "build back better" shirt, or bombard their cars with bumper stickers. Or bombard their homes with flags. But, that's what you would expect from the non- psychotic people.

   wife: I'm having a baby. me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have a baby as well.

   I get so confused when I'm about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen..... Can I watch or not?

   Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy