Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupid people really irritate me. I wish I could piss on some people and sprinkle some wisdom on them.

   I had one of those days... kinda like a blind man seeing ur future,,,no like a blonde reading a book,,,nooo like a faT dude doing a speedo shoot,,,noooooo like a crack hoe selling avon.....THATS IT..... Its be a awesome day>>>>>>>

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured.

   if you call yourself "world renowned", guess what? You aren't...

   I believe she prefers to be called Hurricane Sandra, until she blows you then you may call her Sandy.

   I'm sorry, just because you're my next door neighbor doesn't give you the right to ask me how my day is going. Sod off!

   Just watched 5 minutes of Glee and now I get call from some spa to confirm my manicure and pedi appointment

   I really hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career...

   says: Well, everyone was dreaming of a white Christmas and well, we got it... Just on a side note - I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOU DREAMERS. NOT IMPRESSED AT ALL!! :(

   when the doctor tells me to start eating light does he mean I should start drinking a miller lite with every meal?

   didn't take sex ed growing up and had to figure things out on his own ...with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way!

   I enter a talent show. The judges say I don't have the right stuff. I pull out Tom Wolfe's 1979 book "The Right Stuff." The crowd goes wild.

   Dude, I don't care if it is a suitcase on wheels. If you have a bag, I'm gonna call it a "murse."

   Slut? Weeeeell, let's just say she's had more d1ck ends than weekends.

   Every time I see someone post, "Who wants to Facetime me?"...... I giggle a little bit.... Please tell me I'm not the only one.

   I think the USADA is on a power trip. They have now banned Lance Armstrong from eating French Toast.

   In the animal kingdom, males often have to fight for the right to mate. It's a case of 'brawls before hoes'.

   uncross you legs...you're bending my glasses

   RJ... oh you better believe I'm calling that store asking for the film back! I don't know who or what was in those pics but you caught my attention.

   this grassy knoll?